The mystery of the disappearing polyp....

Yesterday was polyp eviction day.  The polyp that was discovered by hysteroscopy in October last year.

The hospital only do polypectomies under general anesthetic, so I was knocked out for it (love a good GA sleep!).
I waited in my room for a few hours to be discharged - Dr must have been busy. She finally comes round and tells me she has good and bad news.....good news was no polyp (what?!), bad news was going through the waiting for surgery and having a GA for no reason - this is fine, I'd rather have the peace of mind knowing a Dr I trust has given me the once over, and we're in good shape for the FET!

I really don't know what happened to it though, where did it go, she says they don't just disappear, and she doesn't think the change in progesterone from fertility clinic would have gotten rid of it.... Could it be mum, having a little word with God? She was here visiting when the polyp was diagnosed, she passed just a few weeks later, she knew we want another child....

'On this day'.

This time last year I started getting a second line on a test, I was over the moon at the thought we would be blessed with a 4th child.

Instead, our beta test came back at just 13 and we had a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage.

Today we've had a consultation at our local hospital, with the Dr who cared for us through my pregnancy with daughter #3, our IVF miracle. 

She's lifted our spirits and has booked me in for a polypectomy, yay!  

She couldn't understand why the fertility clinic haven't removed it already given our history of infertility and losses!

So the ball rolls once again, and positivity is returning. 

Time to start planning the FET of our little 4AB blasto ❤️

Update.

Apologise for going off radar.
My mum passed on the 22nd November, 5 weeks and 1 day after she'd been given 2-3m to live.
She came for a short visit and returned to the UK early November, moving into the bungalow they'd (mum and dad) just bought on 9th Nov.  We're all heartbroken that her time was cut so short, the end came so fast.  I think she just gave up once she had visited and said her goodbyes. 
I will never forget those last few days she spent here, we all had so much optimism that the CBD oil was going to give her much more time - she seemed really well to say she'd been diagnosed as critically terminal, she even told our daughters that she would be back for Easter.
I thought I was ready to blog again, but it's too upsetting writing it all down.
I will be back soon, there's not much to update on the ttc/IVF front though....

Angry!

On Monday hubby phoned clinic to ask if they had thought about my email yet (I emailed at the start of November to ask about polyp and adhesion removal)....our new consultant that supports me breastfeeding through IVF has left!!!!  Clinic said they would discuss and get back to us.  Hubby phoned again Wednesday morning, they will discuss and get back to us, and NO reply yet!
If we didn't have a frozen embryo I'd tell them to shove their cycles (I feel our old consultant now has the upper hand and is going to treat us like crap), but we have a possible life waiting to be defrosted and loved....

The hysteroscopy.

I had my 'disgnostic' hysteroscopy last week.
It was very quick, one polyp and nothing else - I knew they're not used for endo/adeno diagnosis, but I had hoped as it was our consultants suggestion for the test, he's have more of a prod about and ask more questions about my symptoms....
He says we can go ahead on my next cycle with our 5 day FET!
No!
The chance of mc is increased slightly with a polyp, given my history and mum being so ill, I'm not putting our girls through what could potentially be even more heartache!
I'm asking for polyp removal and also to remove my adhesions, cause there's something that's causing almost constant pain!
So, more waiting....

Mum and dad visited for a few days whilst mum was able, she's had all treatment stopped with the exception of steroids which are keeping the brain tumours at bay, for now.  She's taking CBD oil in the hope that a miracle might happen.
Was nice to have them here again, goodbye was difficult, I don't know if my passport will come through in time to see her again?

Times up :(

I wont get to give mum a final grandchild.
We've had the news today that after the cancer spreading to her brain it can not be stopped, she has 2-3 months left with us....
Frantically booking car hire, ferry and trying to renew my passport :(

Why?

Why can't I wish you back, to come and live with me

We longed for you so much, to join our family.

I remember when the results came though, to say you were almost gone

I shrieked and yelled, sobbed endless tears, my world instantly became numb.

Our hearts are broken that you're gone, you had no time with us

I hope you can look down to earth, and feel us sending love.

X

Struggling.

I feel so empty at the moment.
It's baby loss awareness week.
I should be 32w tomorrow if my body could have protected our little IVF#6 bean.
I've gone quite with the groups online, I don't want to talk about how I'm doing at the mo, I don't want to bring anyone down.
10dpo (I think) and of course it's bfn, why would it be anything else?

Pulling my head out from the sand!

I've been trying my best to ignore the worsening symptoms of endometriosis and possible adenomyosis but our new consultant phoned this morning (never, ever did our other consultant call to check on us!) to double check when I'm going in for a hysteroscopy.
We had planned that if the first FET didn't work, I'd book in for this, give my uterus a general check over and see if my endo was back, then crack on with FET#2.  I'm pretty sure without a doubt the endo is back, so burying my head in the sand and hoping that just 'getting on with it' would bring us another miracle was my way of dealing with it....
....the consultant doesn't want us to waste an embryo, or go through the heartache of yet another failure that might have been avoided.
So at the end of this month I'm booked in for the check, he's not ruling out adenomyosis too due to the severity of my symptoms and pain.  This is my fear, the only cure is a hysterectomy, I'm not ready for that yet and I feel very selfish about it.
I feel selfish cause I want it all behind me, I want to be able to be pain free, I'm tired of being stuck in the house cause my period is so heavy and clotty, I'm worried about cancer too, my nan had uterine cancer, my mum had a hysterectomy for endo mid 30s so it's not possible to know if she would have been susceptible to it, and my sister is currently being checked for some sort of cancer (bladder, bowel or uterine), the combination of endo/adeno and estrogen dominance are all markers that raise the chances of uterine cancer.  However I'm desperate for one more child, and only having another child will stop my desperation (what if I have a hysterectomy and can't cope with not having completed our family).  So sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it all has been the easiest option.

DIY cycle and endo diet.

I've given this cycle lots of though and I'm going to go ahead with a light stim cycle, I have a small amount of medication left over so can't see any harm in it....I have one wonky fallopian tube and diminished ovarian reserve, so it's not like there's going to be lots of eggs getting fertilised then sticking around in my dodgy endometriosis filled uterus!
I was going to post about doing a DIY cycle on the forum I use, but self medding is frowned upon so thought best to stick to here where I'm just talking to myself.

I'm also going to try and stick to an diet that is anti-inflammatory, from what I've read this should help with the endometriosis.
Food like tomatoes, beetroot, kale and spinach should help, along with cutting out caffeine, complex carbs etc.

If this DIY cycle and the next FET cycle don't work, I'm going to have a think about seeing my endocrinologist - thyroid medication changed how it was made last year, my mother-in-law has had to change back to the old medication as she was really tired after it changed despite her TSH and other factors not changing, so I'm wondering if this may be impacting implantation? 

OTD - official test day, FET#1

I don't need to wait for the results to come through, af is here.
So, OTD and also CD1 :(
I have a small amount of meds left, so I might do a very small stim cycle, it's highly unlikely to work though as I need high dose meds to get any follicles on my left....I don't have a tube on my right....