Why?

Why can't I wish you back, to come and live with me

We longed for you so much, to join our family.

I remember when the results came though, to say you were almost gone

I shrieked and yelled, sobbed endless tears, my world instantly became numb.

Our hearts are broken that you're gone, you had no time with us

I hope you can look down to earth, and feel us sending love.

X

Struggling.

I feel so empty at the moment.
It's baby loss awareness week.
I should be 32w tomorrow if my body could have protected our little IVF#6 bean.
I've gone quite with the groups online, I don't want to talk about how I'm doing at the mo, I don't want to bring anyone down.
10dpo (I think) and of course it's bfn, why would it be anything else?

Pulling my head out from the sand!

I've been trying my best to ignore the worsening symptoms of endometriosis and possible adenomyosis but our new consultant phoned this morning (never, ever did our other consultant call to check on us!) to double check when I'm going in for a hysteroscopy.
We had planned that if the first FET didn't work, I'd book in for this, give my uterus a general check over and see if my endo was back, then crack on with FET#2.  I'm pretty sure without a doubt the endo is back, so burying my head in the sand and hoping that just 'getting on with it' would bring us another miracle was my way of dealing with it....
....the consultant doesn't want us to waste an embryo, or go through the heartache of yet another failure that might have been avoided.
So at the end of this month I'm booked in for the check, he's not ruling out adenomyosis too due to the severity of my symptoms and pain.  This is my fear, the only cure is a hysterectomy, I'm not ready for that yet and I feel very selfish about it.
I feel selfish cause I want it all behind me, I want to be able to be pain free, I'm tired of being stuck in the house cause my period is so heavy and clotty, I'm worried about cancer too, my nan had uterine cancer, my mum had a hysterectomy for endo mid 30s so it's not possible to know if she would have been susceptible to it, and my sister is currently being checked for some sort of cancer (bladder, bowel or uterine), the combination of endo/adeno and estrogen dominance are all markers that raise the chances of uterine cancer.  However I'm desperate for one more child, and only having another child will stop my desperation (what if I have a hysterectomy and can't cope with not having completed our family).  So sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it all has been the easiest option.

DIY cycle and endo diet.

I've given this cycle lots of though and I'm going to go ahead with a light stim cycle, I have a small amount of medication left over so can't see any harm in it....I have one wonky fallopian tube and diminished ovarian reserve, so it's not like there's going to be lots of eggs getting fertilised then sticking around in my dodgy endometriosis filled uterus!
I was going to post about doing a DIY cycle on the forum I use, but self medding is frowned upon so thought best to stick to here where I'm just talking to myself.

I'm also going to try and stick to an diet that is anti-inflammatory, from what I've read this should help with the endometriosis.
Food like tomatoes, beetroot, kale and spinach should help, along with cutting out caffeine, complex carbs etc.

If this DIY cycle and the next FET cycle don't work, I'm going to have a think about seeing my endocrinologist - thyroid medication changed how it was made last year, my mother-in-law has had to change back to the old medication as she was really tired after it changed despite her TSH and other factors not changing, so I'm wondering if this may be impacting implantation? 

OTD - official test day, FET#1

I don't need to wait for the results to come through, af is here.
So, OTD and also CD1 :(
I have a small amount of meds left, so I might do a very small stim cycle, it's highly unlikely to work though as I need high dose meds to get any follicles on my left....I don't have a tube on my right....

BFN from FET#1

Tomorrow is beta day, but I've started spotting.
All urine tests 100% negative.

False positives with breast milk, a lesson well learnt :(

You'd be forgiven for thinking this was an exciting result (from my breast milk), after all it's ONLY hcg that can trigger the pink test line, and there is a whopping great big line right there....



Well, it's either cause my milk was holding onto the trigger shot for longer, or the antibiotics I was on added with the natural antibodies in my milk caused some sort of reaction.

As I've posted this across forums and FB groups, other ladies have joined in, their tests seem to be accurately reading if they have hcg or not, so why not mine?

I am heartbroken that yet another cycle has failed.  Am I being too greedy wanting to complete our family with one more child?  Is it really too much to ask?
My urine tests are whiter than a Daz advert, they're as blindingly bright as the sun on crisp snow :(

FET#1, the madness begins - breast milk hpt!

It's quite insane but it stops me obsessing - I'm 5dp3dFET....I've just bought 100 cheapie strip tests, so no harm in wasting a few;

The next photo is breast milk top, urine below;

4dp3dFET

Nausea!
What?!
Not possible, yet?
Ahhhh!

PUPO with our frostie!

What a day!
I started off with the school run, it's quick this year as both our older girls now take buses, so it was a quick drop of at the stop for DD2, back home to give LO brekkie and get her travel bag ready, then to my parents house to empty all the last bits (they were selling and the completion was yesterday afternoon - they're now living in the UK full time so everything was down to me).  I could barely fit in my car on the drive to the mother-in-laws to drop LO off, there was that much last minute junk in my car lol!
So hubby was waiting at mils for me (he was working in the morning), he phoned clinic do double check on the thaw and we were good to go.
Arrived at clinic at about 11.30, receptionist automatically told us to wait 5 mins, looked up over her glasses and realised it was us (we're practically on first names terms with everyone lol) and sent us down the corridor to wait for the embryologist.
Embryologist was happy with the thaw, the embie remained the same grade it was frozen at, yay!
Went and got myself comfy in the ET room, waited a few minutes for the consultant and who walks in?....the Dr that gave me a bollocking for continuing to BF through IVF, telling me I was putting LO at risk....however, she's head of department so I had a sense of ease as at least she's got experience on her side, and we needed it!
Scan starts so they can get the catheter in....my uterus is filled with fluid!  She takes a syringe and drains in via the catheter, and I have to wait to see if it stays clear - I also have to drink more, top tip, do not drink more until you're 2 mins away from transfer as I was ready to streak through the corridor in just my blouse I was THAT bursting to pee!
45/50 mins later and after ordering hubby to find someone before I wet myself, she comes back.  Everyone has gone for lunch (it's 1pm by now) so hubby gets to play Dr and hold the scanner lol!
Everything is all clear and transfer went ahead, I only managed a few minutes before making a mad dash (barefoot) down the corridor to the toilet lol!

The Dr was REALLY nice with us, really calm, crossing her fingers and complimenting me on my painted toe nails - a huge change from the last time we had her and she was being horrible....I wonder if our new Dr had a word to explain I was not putting LO at risk, at all?!

All was left for the day was to sign over my parents house to the new owners, I had been stressing about this but it was a nice appointment, the solicitor was funny and the people were really excited!

FET#1 trigger!

Friday was my second scan, my lead follicle was 19.5mm and my lining was 13mm.  The consultant was pleased with this - I was secretly hoping the lead follicle would be on my left then we could also try naturally as I feel quite negative about the FET working....
They phoned and told me to trigger on the Saturday, meaning 'ovulation' would be today.
I had a +ive ovulation test on Saturday and I'm quite sure I ovulated yesterday, so this is going to put me a day out with the FET if so! 
I really wanted to trigger on Sunday, to avoid transfer on Thursday as I'm signing the sale of my parents house to a very fussy couple and I didn't want that stress, but clinic said to trigger Saturday or cancel!
I'm still spotting too, they've not listened to my concern over natural early ovulation, I feel I should have had some down regs alongside menopur, like I would do on a fresh cycle.  So all in all I'm feeling this is a waste of time, however, it is a learning curve for us, being our first FET.