Losing the plot!

I think I may have gone barking made....not only have I just had to pots (piss on TWO sticks) this morning, but as they were negative and still no period, so I googled.....*drum roll*....and dipped a couple of tests in breast-milk too.  Bonkers!
There's a big difference in waiting for a pissy test vs waiting for a milky test, as the milk travels up the test it's sooooo dark, no lines, just a big smudge of dark pink/purple.
The result, both negative, what else was it going to be?!

WANTED!

Where is af (aunt flow/period)?!
My tests are now as white as a Daz advert and I stopped progesterone a few days ago now - my last tablet was Friday morning....af is usually here within 36/48 hours....it's now 72 hours!
I'm never late, never!
There's barely any spotting too, just the tiniest amount when wiping, and I mean TINY!  So little that if you weren't an obsessed tissue checker like I am, then you really wouldn't notice.
It's only when you're IVFing that you REALLY want af to be on time, any other time it'd be fine, in fact I'd be pleased.  But I really wanted to get all my tracking scans and egg collection done in the half term holiday, this plan is now looking unlikely, ahhhhh!
AF come out come out wherever you are, you are WANTED!

50 shades of grey?

Photo says it all, I think we're at 10dpo, evap, evap, flipping EVAP!
Top test is a 20miu, bottom is a cheap 10miu.
Talk about getting my hopes up :(

8/9dpo, Nauuuuusea!

Bleurgh! 
Bleurgh bleurgh and more bleurgh!

Feeling rubbish today with on/off nausea  However, I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with TTC and is more due to the eldest being upstairs in bed all day feeling sick (there's a bug doing the rounds which had the middle one throwing up last week). 
I don't do other people being sick very well, when middle child was hurling into a bucket last week I had to run out of her room whilst holding my mouth and heaving, poor love must have felt really neglected when I threw a box of tissues in her direction for her to wipe her mouth and handed anti-sickness medication at arms length once the vomiting ceased, lol!
So, I think the nausea is just nerves of having to deal with someone else being sick....ho hum.

January Consultation.

Yesterday we had our consultation for IVF#6.  I thought we might go over #5 to see if there are ways we can improve, but nope, our consultant is very much *the computer says no!* from Little Britain!  Her voice has got a constant whining type tone, she'd make such a good dog trainer lol!!!!

I had quite a few questions to put to her; about my supplements - if there's anything I can add (without mentioning breastfeeding lol); if I should try testosterone (my levels are very low and I read testosterone priming can be good for low AMH/DOR); if I need to adjust my thyroid meds (already done it just wanted her confirmation); if we should try a lower dose of menopur like with LO/IVF#4; if I should do the oestrogen priming like with LO/IVF#4....but all the questions fell on deaf ears and the conveyor belt of *ummm noooo, we wont do that*,with the exception of upping my thyroid meds a little. 
We talked about the egg retrieval and anaesthetic, I usually have a general but she thinks I should try a local, I'm worried about coping with the pain due to me adhesions, it's not possible knock me out if I change my mind....?!  She tried to scare me a little and said there's always a risk with a general, that's really put me on edge now and I don't know what to do - if I choose a local and can't cope with any pain, if they wont knock me out it's another failed cycle....and what if they just crack on regardless of pain?
One change is I am going to be on a progesterone patch prior to the cycle, this made me giggle as I remember my mum having HRT after her hysterectomy, she used patches....dad would wake up with them stuck to him instead hahaha!

There's about 6 weeks until the start of the cycle, I'm doing a prep type countdown and giving up all the crap - in a last attempt to drop a few kilos after being a pudding over Christmas!
Week (until cycle) 6 - no alcohol, walk 2km x5 & run 0.5km x3.
Week 5 - as W6 and no caffine, walk 3km x5 & run 1km x2.
Week 4 - as W5and no sugar, walk 3.5km x5 & run 1km x3.
Week 3 - as Wk4 and no gluten, walk 4km x5 & run 1.5km x2.
Week 2 - as W3 and no processed food, walk 5km x5 & run 1.5km x3.
Week 1 - as W2 and no added salt, walk 6km x5 & run 2km x2.

I'm adding in walking and running to being extra healthy as with poor blood circulation it's good to get things pumping.
My fitness watch arrived yesterday, perfect timing!  It's got a HR function on it too, so going to keep an eye out if it can show ovulation (I got a blinding OPK on CD13 which is great as I was starting to worry about early menopause).

So the nerves of another cycle begin again, pulling up my PMA pants though, this has to be the one!

January...BF....

....N....!
Bastard Flipping Negative lol!

Don't know why I thought it would be anything else, I didn't get my LH/OPK surge so I'm doubtful that I ovulated....now I'm wondering if I'm closer to the menopause than I thought - I'm currently CD10 and no signs of ovulation, whereas the 2/3 cycles before IVF5 my CM would be changing and I'd be starting to get twinges.  Instead I'm still spotting following a very heavy af, yay, NOT!
Maybe IVF5 followed by a light DIY cycle has given me a cyst or two (this happened when we were doing IUI back in 2010, I did a DIY cycle whilst our consultant was on holiday, I had a 4cm cyst that needed a cycle of progesterone to get rid of it, hmmmm, crap, really hope it's not that?).

Our next consultation is this coming Monday, so I started healthy eating again yesterday, it was our wedding anniversary on Tuesday so we had a lush meal and lots of wine and cheese, knowing I'd be back on healthy eating yesterday, I was so FULL of motivation that night. 
BANG!  The day of the diet comes and ALL I'm craving are the left over Pringles I know are in the cupboard.  The bowl filled with lots of fresh fruit just wasn't doing it for me ahhh, lol!  Hubby and I had a sneaky Irish coffee late in the afternoon, I suggested we open the rest of the wine and finish it off, hubby swiftly reminded me of our consultation in just a few days, oh shit - I had forgotten, focusing on dieting for our next cycle I was thinking I had a few more days yet before I needed to be good.  Oh well, that was it, I'm on it!

December DIY cycle....

So this was the first DIY cycle since IVF5, I had high hopes at the start then towards the end it's more of *who am I kidding?*!

I did a CD3 blood test (luckily I had an appointment at my dr on CD2 so I managed to get the paper work for a CD3 test), this didn't include my AMH but I'm happy to say my LH & FSH seemed a little better;
September FSH=12.9 & LH=7.4
December FSH=6.4 & LH=3.4. 
The best bit was my prolactine, it's gone from 678 down to 516, the only change is I'm not as stressed now mum got the all clear (we got the news she was clear just as I got home from egg collection in November 😊), I decided not to bother reducing how much I breastfeed LO, she'll naturally want less as she grows.

I started DIY injections of menopur (150) on CD3 - so after the blood test, didn't want the injections interfering with the results!  I missed CD4 by mistake but continued from CD5-CD10. 
I stopped at CD10 as I've had OPK peaks on CD9/10 on the previous few natural cycles, and I didn't want to keep injecting when my body might naturally be gearing up to peak....
I didn't peak, WTF!

Tests from top are Cd10; CD11 (hpt by mistake 😂 ); CD12; CD12; CD13; CD14; CD14; CD15; CD15; CD16 

So, now I have no idea if I ovulated or not.... I started my usual progesterone on CD18, so 2 days after I did my final ovulation test.  I'm not feeling very hopeful, however it doesn't stop my from POAS, honestly it's an addiction!!!!

I got a flipping evap today on a preg test argh!
Top a few days ago, bottom is from 3rd pee this morning.


I'm CD25 and who knows how many days past 'ovulation', what ovulation?!
I'd like to hold out for another 48 hours before testing again, but it's much more likely I'll piss on another stick later this afternoon lol!

I really want this, I switched myself off from the IVF cycle to help avoid any disappointment/pain, but I REALLY, REALLY want this so much I don't think we will stop ttc when I had planned (2019 when I turn 40), if we don't get out bfp/thb we'll have to keep going until our IVF cut off of 42....

IVF5, egg collection and transfer.

Egg collection was last Friday (6 days ago), I was so lucky to be first down to theatre (due to still nursing LO) although they were running about 20 mins late and then it took aaaaages for everyone to organise themselves and knock me out/get started.  I'm sure my eggs were already being released, I had ovulation pains, I could basically feel those little follicles popping!
I also had a surgeon that I've never met before, with my severe adhesions and the difficulty getting to my ovaries through them, I was worried.
They collected 2 eggs.
Pathetic!

We got the call on Saturday to say one had fertilised (ICSI) but the second wasn't quite mature so they were giving it the rest of the day....We were told to expect a call Monday morning but they weren't sure if I was going to go in for transfer then or if they would wait until day 5.

Sunday clinic was closed.

Monday (3 days post collection), we got the call that the second egg wasn't mature enough so we only had the one embryo, however it was looking OK.
I was fully expecting to go in for transfer, after all in our previous four IVF cycles we have never EVER had embryos pass day 3, they ALWAYS arrest by day 3, every transfer we've had has been on day 2, and we were already passed that so I was very, very anxious!
They decided to wait until day 5....this would also give chance for the second embryo to catch up - the one we were just told hadn't matured enough to be fertilised!

Tuesday I called to check on our embryo, I was sure that by now we'd have nothing....they don't look at the embryos on day 4 as they don't want to disturb their environment, but they assured us that yesterday they both looked good - they said both....?!

Wednesday, the call....no transfer.
The embryo had grown but not enough to transfer. 
Heartbroken.
I wanted my embryo back with me, given a chance at life.  Instead it will have been disposed of in the labs petri dish :(
The only good thing to come out of this is that the cycle doesn't count as a 'try', so we're back to being allowed 4 full tries at IVF.

We can arrange for the next IVF to begin in three months, for now I am making my own plans!
I have a LOT of left over medication....instead of taking progesterone as I would for each and every cycle regardless of IVF (progesterone helps control my mega bleeds), I am taking estrogen.  I was prescribed estrogen in the cycle prior to IVF with LO, it helps to prep the womb and it also does something to the follicles to help them mature at an even rate.  For some bizzare reason my consultant told me not to take it for IVF5, I truly believe it would have helped....!
Then when af is here I am to get some more blood work done, this will go to my consultant gyne at the local hosp (where they do IUI/tracking but not IVF), I asked her in the summer if I could go in for tracking, so next cycle this is what we will do.
To be sure there is something to track, I'm going to take menopur 150 for a week.  I only have one tube and hubby has lazy sperm, so it's highly unlikely that with low AMH and diminished ovarian reserve I'm going to be an octomom due to self medding, but the tracking will be there as back up ;)

I'm also on;
Ubiquinol
Vit D
5mg folic acid
B vitamins
Selenium
Magnesium and Zinc
Flax seed oil
TTC Multi Vit

I'm looking into Vit A & Vit E
I'm going to purchase Zita West IVF diet on google play and also *it starts with the egg* also on google play.
Fingers crossed I get a golden egg, one that gets all loved up with one of hubbys bestest sperm and we have our Christmas miracle.
I will then be hanging my ovaries out to dry lol!

IVF#5 follicle tracking.

Stims started on CD1 (Tuesday 14th), I'm on 450 menopur.

CD5 follie scan = 5 follies, happy there's more than 3.  Started down regging to stop ovulation.

CD7 follie scan = 5, happy there's still 5 (the second follie scan last cycle most decided to hide!), but still gutted there's no more popped out from hiding - I had a dream there were going to be 13!

CD8 follie scan = 5, I have one more night of stims (tonight) then trigger tomorrow ready for egg collection on Friday, eeek!  Both worried and optimistic that I've only stimmed for 8 days.

I've been googling a lot to try and help with the PMA, watching some vids on YouTube has helped, there's one of the Hewitt centre in Liverpool (baby makers I think it is called) and their average number of eggs collected is 6, so I feel better about only having 5 follicles given my consultant has labelled me (or at least my eggs and hormone levels) with an OAP status lol!
Also, some doctors say that earlier collection is better with older eggs, I'll be CD11 on collection day so that has filled me with some positivity too, yay!

CD1, IVF#5.

What a start to CD1.
There really is nothing glamorous about having dildocam whilst on your period, there really isn't! 
To add to my joy, I have just a measly 3 follicles, one on the left (with tube) and two on the right (no tube)....pathetic.  I did wonder if clinic would convert to IUI or just abandon....
However, they just called (my scan was locally not clinic) and I'm instructed to max up on 450 menopur.  I knew this would be the case, my consultant warned me that with such a small number of OAP eggs I would be on the max dose, praying shaking up these eggs a bit is going to work.

I'm feeling a little bit high off protein and it's only 3pm. I've managed to scoff about 45g of it so far today and if I eat what I've planned for the rest of the day I'll be up to 122g.  Holy cow!  No, I didn't pop to the farm next door to eat a cow, or two lol, it's all from veggies/soya and a tiny bit of cheese.
It's recommended that you eat 1g of protein for every 1kg of body weight, and as my eggs need that extra boost I'm adding in as much as I can manage whilst staying in my calorie goal.
(Speaking of body weight, although IVF got in the way of my *fifty to fabulous* plan, I did manage to drop quite a bit and this morning I weighed in at 85kg, meaning my BMI is 26.8, pleased with that)

CoQ10 has had the boot, I swapped it for the pure stuff, ubiquinol!  It's supposed to be better/easier absorbed than CoQ10, also upping flax oil capsules to two a day (I've read omega 3/flax is good for OAP eggs and poor response....let's see if it works).

That's all for now, just had a message to say mum is on her way to hosp for her appointment to see if she's got the clear from her melanoma.  Just waiting for hubby to come home then we can go for a walk and clear my head a bit <3 

Fanny Gymnastics!

Yesterday was dildocam day! 
My consultant had a good old rummage down there (I actually feel like I've been prodded a LOT - it never usually bothers me)!  I've only got 5 resting follicles (CD17) so she's trying to mentally prep me for low numbers when we start stimming - I should be used to low numbers though, IVF1 we got 5 eggs, IVF2 was 3 eggs, IVF3 was 4 eggs and somehow IVF4 was 6 eggs....!

Whilst she was having her rummage in my lady bits, she asked me to lift my left leg up to my chest (as I was flat out on the couch with my right foot staying in the stirrup) it was like fanny gym lol!  Such a relief there's a lock on the door as I'm sure it was NOT a pretty sight (felt like I was in some sort of perverted porno) lol!

Her face changed as she looked at my uterus too, it's big and bulky measuring in at 131.5cm3....the average uterus (so google tells me) should be between 15 & 56cm3, I'm only CD17 too so it's not like it's filled up ready for my period!  I'm glad it's been noted. 
I also mentioned the amount of blood loss I have each cycle, it was the first time she actually listened (and was shocked), I'm hoping this will help towards a diagnosis of adenomyosis after we've finished completing our family as I'd really like a hysterectomy and my normal consultant would prefer just to clip my tube.

The big and bulky uterus means a slight change in protocol, I'm not happy about it but hubby thinks I should try and trust her as she's trying to make sure my womb does it's job well....

I picked up half my meds yesterday and need to pop out later today to get the rest of them (have to clear the fridge first), then we have our pre-stim scan booked in 11 days and we should be go go go!
I'm on duphaston (progesterone) now for 10 days - I take this each cycle as my big and bulky uterus likes to make life impossible without it, they would normally put me on provames (an estrogen) but due to the amount of 'blood build up' she wants to minimise my bleed, otherwise I'd struggle to leave the house and have my scan!
I'm actually going to take it for a few days longer, she says my period wont come until I've stopped the duphaston for 5 days....I've been taking this each cycle since Jan 2013 I know that it'll come within 48 hours of stopping (I have naturally low progesterone levels)....ideally I'd like my pre-stim scan on CD1 like our last IVF, or CD2 at the latest, so a couple of extra days is needed ;)

Edited to add my stash of meds - the boxes of menopur are for 5 days so I'll need five more boxes (10 days), maybe more if I need to up my dose....?